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15 March 2004 @ 03:07 pm
you might live in a screen kiss....  
so i ran into my broken drawer again and this time managed to gouge out quite a large hunk of flesh from my thigh. laura was sitting there watching me put alcohol on it and suddenly busts out with....'that looks painful'. shes always so astute. i probably should look into getting that fixed though.

in other upsetting news, the placebo dvd comes out today and i am without fundage until friday. v.v. sad about that.

discovered that every one at work (or at least the good majority) thinks im am nineteen or twenty. so thats good news. face creams working and all that.

i feel very melancholy today, and even though i realize its just pms and know not to give it too much credence, i cant help it. i started in middle school. trying to hide how much everyone hurt me. and it was kicked into high gear when i was with my boyfriend. hide all those feelings. never give anyone the satisfaction of seeing how much they've hurt you. never lean on people cause they will only let you down. so now ive completely forgotten how to feel and have real emotions. i still lean on people but without them knowing it. the few who do dont know why or even how much i need it, cause though a little bit sometimes leaks out, its quickly hidden away again behind my mask of indifference. so they leave me too and hurt me more than most and dont even know im lying there bleeding, and incapable of getting up myself. and i would never let them know it either. i realize all this, just as im starting to come to the realization that ive been doing this so long, i dont think im capable of feeling anything anymore. i wonder if there is anyone out there who could make me feel something real once again. at this point, id welcome the pain cause at least id know that im alive and not emotionally broken beyond repair. i wonder if ill ever meet someone i can cry in front of....

well, enough of that. im aware that most of you dont really want to be reading about despair and sadness. for that i apologize. and fear not by tomorrow im sure the mask will be firmly back in place and we can all go back to pretending everythings okay.

till that day comes,
way too broke too fix
Current Mood: morosemorose
Current Music: suede - two of us
That Person, Over Therehanauma on March 15th, 2004 02:06 pm (UTC)
Poor dear. Fix that drawer or stuff it into a closet until you can so you don't run into it silly goose =))

Hey, BTW, I meant to ask you. How do you like working at Target and what exactly do you do? =))

*hugs* =))
illuminesce on March 15th, 2004 07:24 pm (UTC)
*hugs!* :3