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13 February 2003 @ 01:53 pm
im not sure how much longer i can keep up this facade  
my hip hurts so bad i can barely stand it. i just want to curl up in a chair in my sweats and a heating pad and cry all day. its my entire leg. but today i have to go get applications and drive around. however, i dont feel physically capable of doing anything today. i thought yesterday was bad, but id cut off my foot to have it back. i sound like a four year old but i want my mom so badly. i want her to rub my head until i fall asleep and tell me it will be okay. im wondering if ill be able to go three more weeks without my family. because if my hip stays like this i cant do anything. work, help around the house, even drive home.

maybe i should just give up after all and cry myself into a medicated stupor and quit trying to do everything thats expected of me. maybe i should go home. i could maybe break up the time of the trip into three of four days.

or maybe i should just stick it out and wait for the crippling depression that comes with the pain to recede and then make a decision.
or maybe i should just take all my medication and see if i make it or not. you know leave it to jehovah to decide.

im sure this entry will catch me a lot of grief and people hovering, calling, replying. yelling, feigning concern and the like. please dont concern yourselves its just the ramblings of a delirious mind trying to get rid of some of the contradictory thoughts that have been running screaming through my head since two days ago when the pain began.

i dont expect anyone to understand what im trying to say, i just need to try and talk things through.

i still love arizona, my host and her family, friends, and fat crazy dog, but right now, i wonder if its possible for anyone to stand being around me.

with that cheerful thought,
Current Mood: crappycrappy
mooziemamamoozie on February 13th, 2003 01:52 pm (UTC)
Unremitting pain does that to people
Maybe moving was too big a step - I know I couldn't do it, but that's just me. I'll be home soon and we can talk. I think all around, everyone had a bad day. Wait til you hear about mine. See you soon...
ex_savoytruf156 on February 14th, 2003 09:47 am (UTC)
How about...
How about a good thrashing for your disloyal peasants? Make you feel better, me lady? Ha ha

Sorry you're sick and miss your family. I think you should do whatever you feel is right whether it be to sick out there or come home. Either place you're loved. I don't have your problems, but I do understand that you're in pain. I've seen you upset and hurting.

Sending lots of hugs and kisses and maybe a few witty remarks about stuff. Eh, eh, wink wink...:D

-Mrs. Gil Grissom-