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01 September 2002 @ 05:31 pm
first not happy entry....ever.  
so i know that everyone thinks of me as flighty and happy, the only emotion i show is anger, and thats what i want yall to think. but i have things i need to get out so feel free to stop reading now.

i was at my friends wedding last night and it was beautiful and the music was great and i had a lot of fun at first but i spent the last half of the reception locked in a bathroom stall with my friend crying. and i started thinking why am i this person that i am. why do i care so much that everyone still thinks of me as if i was sixteen. why is nothing i accomplish ever mine but something either given to me or something i "happened to come across" why is the phrase "just becca" a part of my all my friends vocabulary. im tired of not being respected and treated as less then human, so why is it still happening? why havent i told them how i feel. why does it still bother me.
when i was 16 i thought about my life when i was 23, and this is certainly not the life i pictured. i just get so tired of everything anymore. ive become this weak, scared, old, bitter woman at twenty three and i dont know how it happened i only know, i dont want to be this person. i want to be different. not someone else, still myself , just different. im sure many of you will think im trying to get pity, but i can express myself honestly in the anonymous faceless mass that is the internet. my friend in the bathroom stall said i needed a change. go to a place where people would not know me and can start over, cause people here will never allow me to be different than i ever was. but where could i go? i only get two weeks of vacation time a year. how is that the first thought i had. my boss is depending on me, i cant leave. and who would watch my dog? i supposed to be a young person but i cant do anything, go anywhere cause i have payments to make, people depending on me, animals to feed, and the like. i dont really have a point i guess. its just.....this is not the person i was supposed to turn out to be.
i guess i just want to know what happened to the person i used to be. back when i enjoyed being around myself. has anybody seen that girl? id love to see her again.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: the sugarcubes
she's sick from chlorine but she'll never be cleansoftest_fire on September 1st, 2002 08:17 pm (UTC)
i know what you mean...
when i was younger i had this image of what i would be like at 23.. strange i never pictured lie after 23.. besides the fact that i would be married and 5 inches taller.. im not at all like i thought i would be....

since i pretty much look and sound and whatever everything i did when i was 16... plus i live with the rents... so that knocks off 5 years of how old people think you are...

but i understand what you mean.. ill call you and ill explain more since im just rambling...

i know what you mean and i love you and cant wait to see you soon..

much love
queenie bbluebirdgirl on September 2nd, 2002 01:32 pm (UTC)
Re: i know what you mean...
i do know that you understand and it means so much...
ex_savoytruf156 on September 2nd, 2002 08:33 pm (UTC)
Re: i know what you mean...
We can't expect life to be handed to us on a silver platter. If that happened we'd all be spoiled rotton babies. "you big baby" ha ha ha are you laughing

As for your friends sayin' youre sixteen, perhaps you need different friends. I'm not trying to be rude but sometimes our friends can be real dumbasses. People think of me as child and not older. They're just jerks! Don't let them talk down to you. You're the stronger one of them. They probably do it to make themselves feel better seeing they can't be like you. WE can't all be who we want to be because thats how life is. We're not perfect and neither is anything on this earth.

I like you for who you are. Yeah, I sometimes want to be different, you sometimes want to be different, and so does everyone else on this earth.

I understand that you are busy and have all those responsibilities, thats a part of life and being older.(i'm not saying that you're an old fart. ha ha) I think i put too many i's in responsibilty. Anyway, i love ya girly, and i love who you are. If you need to talk, don't hesitate to call me because i'll listen even if i have no advice or fancy words to tell ya. Good to have someone who'll listen to you.